Why I gotta check myself?
This was not supposed to be the first episode however I have prayed for God to speak through me because I am not all-knowing I have much to learn and I am writing this at 2:30 am because I woke up to my husband’s phone going off and immediately anger took over and I thought of all the possible ways I could respond to that and for me, I immediately was going to argue it is what it is. Guess what that would have done? It made for an awful rest of the week for everyone including the baby who hasn’t even got anything to do with it, but guess who has to deal with all that negative energy from her mom? YEAH
You are probably thinking well the phone shouldn’t have been going off……. And that is why you need Jesus lol nah but for real I am glad you are here that is the wrong thinking because that is why you probably don’t have peace now.
For me I have to do this because I have terrible anger my anger has made me say so many things I re this day to people I have loved and do love till this day. Words can’t ever be taken back for the person I said them to and for the person who said them. But you know what’s worse than words, ACTIONS by allowing myself to think I am always right and that the other person wronged me and only seeing my side of the situation I have successfully hurt people I love, people who never did anything to deserve the backlash. My present has paid for the mistakes of my past and that is something I know have to live with. My kids used to have to pay for the signs of my illness You know I will never be able to take that back. I can never erase what I did in my past but I can make damn sure it’s not something I repeat in the future, but I will and I have but at least now I have the self-awareness to try and correct it even after I mess up.
So you maybe think sometimes why I always gotta be the bigger person, I am going to tell you I have had to sit here with myself and think of what I did wrong even when I did everything right. Because again just like you have feelings and things you are going through so is everyone else. Jesus knew his disciples would betray him, yet he loved them through it HE was perfect I AM NOT and neither are you. I love Jesus because I find something amazing about a being who can have love and care even when others do not do the same for him. Do you know why I think he was able to do that he was all-knowing and even HE knew all humans have free will WE do not control anyone else in this world, not our spouse, not our friends, not our boss, and guess what not even our kids. Yeah, that one is one I am still wrapping my head around. There is growth in every situation in our lives do not ever get to a place of pride and self richesness that you think you have no room for improvement. Yes even those of us who deal with a lot of us especially because we are actually the most hurt and often cause the most pain.
So why check ourselves? I do not want to pass down to my grandkids the same hurt my mom received, because if my marriage fails I want to rest assured I did not just look at the pain I felt, but also thought of the pain my husband was dealing from within himself and maybe the things he hasn’t healed from because I want to forgive the sin of my mother who at one time was also young and scared and alone, I check myself because I am fully aware that I live in a world where maybe others won’t, I know I will have to forgive others for wrongs they do to me I will NEVER get an apology for. Would you be surprised if I told you the lord doesn’t FORCE you to ask for forgiveness? I am not a bible expert however I know this story of Peter.
After Jesus came back and Peter had betrayed him he said to Peter
“Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord, Peter replied You know I love you”
“Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him.
“Jesus repeated the question: Simon son of John do you love me?”
“Yes, Lord” Peter said “You know I love you”
“ Then take care of my sheep”
John 21:15-16
Never got an apology yet he didn’t tell him nah bro we’re done, didn’t throw in his face how he did him wrong, didn’t say I was right you were wrong your fake. We put expectations on people, but do we put expectations on ourselves? Let that sink in Don’t be so quick to answer. And I know we all have remaining questions I get that but for now, this is the first part. Focus on this part. Yes, we will stumble and yes sometimes anger will take over tonight the lord was with me, but I promise you I have woken my husband up before about that damn phone going off and sometimes it goes ok and sometimes it doesn’t for whatever reason. But if I can avoid this a wait until I have had time to cool down and he has not just gone to sleep with allergies then I will ALWAYS and forever check myself. If I can avoid arguing with my kids over something that I should be grown up about instead of getting BUTT hurt and then not spending time with them then yeah ima check myself. One day you will find peace in all situations because I think the fact we wonder what we could have done differently is what causes us anxious feelings because deep inside we know we played a part. If you have peace you have done your part because, in the end, all you can control is YOU and everyone else will do as they want because after all we were given free will is what you do with it that matters.
